Confessions of a Lousy Househusband

22 09 2008

Reader Beware! This is an unauthorized blog post! I should not be writing this and you should not be reading it. So continue at you own risk.

Writing late at night, after Mrs. Blister is safely asleep, I type this as quietly as I can. I only pray my words find sympathetic ears before they are discovered and removed. So please dear reader! Copy and paste! Quickly! I don’t expect to survive, but maybe someday, somewhere, somehow, my words will live on. Now I know how Anne Frank felt.

“Why?” You ask. “Why now?” You beg. “Please stop before she finds out! Turn back Mr. Blister! It’s not too late!”

Why now indeed. I’ll tell you why. Because I need to set the record straight. No doubt dear reader, you have read Mrs. Blister’s latest post, “Desperate Househusband”. Well, I need to fill in the blanks for you…

“[he is a] bonbonaholic social butterfly…”

First of all, I am not a bonbonaholic. I am a word-twistaholic, thanks to my cousins on facebook. Secondly, I am less of a social butterfly than an anti-social earwig.

“…he’s not only trying to get used to his new role as stay-at-home-dad, but doing so under a mother’s microscope.”

First of all, I am not trying to get used to my new role as say-at-home-dad. I am still trying to get used to my old role as human being. Secondly, I would not characterize her scrutiny as that of being under a microscope. Have you heard about that crazy particle accelerator thing they built underground in Europe? Well apparently it uses a digital camera that weighs several thousand tons and can take millions of high-resolution pictures in the blink of an eye providing scientists mountains of data for intense future scrutiny. It’s more like that.

“…I feel like I’m trying to get work done in the middle of a zoo, surrounded by poop flinging monkeys, stampeding elephants, and parrots who won’t shut up long enough to let me hear myself think, while the zoo keeper sits there reading the newspaper…”

First of all, no one has flung poop, yet. Second of all… well… okay, the rest of that is pretty accurate.

“…just because Mr. is now a househusband does not mean that he is… suddenly some sort of self sacrificing superman who deserves heaps of glorious praise and admiration…”

First of all, some would say she is right because he was a self sacrificing superman who deserved heaps of glorious praise and admiration long before he became a househusband. Second of all, most people would just say Mrs. Blister is right. Period.

Sssshhhh…. Is that her waking up? I better wrap this up.

Bottom line, life isn’t as easy for the new zoo keeper as Mrs. Blister might have you believe. For example, the only way I can get an afternoon nap these days is if I pretend to be sick. Also, did you know that the newspaper doesn’t have to print every letter you send to them?

In conclusion, after hi-jacking this blog, the only way to ensure my survival is for you, dear reader, to post a comment on this, my first and last post.

Quickly! Post a comment to me now, before it’s too late. If enough people hear my voice, maybe it won’t be silenced forever. Help me Domestic Blister readers, you’re my only hope. Now I know how Princess Leia felt.

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12 responses

22 09 2008
Winston

Your writing style is remarkably similar to your wife’s.

22 09 2008
Jody

That just made me laugh out loud siting on my couch by myself!!

23 09 2008
mammasaidtome

Dear Mr Blister,
If you need a place to run to, you know where to go! laughed my head off!

23 09 2008
Katie

Great one, Cuz!!! Though I hold NO responsability whatsoever in regards to your Word Twist addiction!!!!

23 09 2008
Nana

dear Son..we women of the world who kept a tidy house- did laundry-went to the grocery store-took great care of our children- cooked for our husbands..all while they went to work and still had time for girlfriends nite out- and loved every minute of it salute you.

23 09 2008
Marc

You have missed you calling – we knew you could mix colour, but what a whimsical and witty retort!

23 09 2008
Mr. Blister

Nana,

I thank you for the salute.

So, I wonder when my first ladies’ night out will be?

23 09 2008
domesticblister

Oh I’ll give you a ladies nite out, all right. How bout you take all three of our lovely little ladies out for a night so i can have enough peace and quite to do the writing that makes the big bucks that keeps you in bonbons…and don’t pretend you don’t love a good bonbon there, Mr!

23 09 2008
mammasaidtome

Isn’t golf a girls night out for men?

23 09 2008
roxferry

Sorry Mr. Blister but the pity train has left the building.You need to shape up if you want to be one of us girls.1st hint…clothes under kids beds don’t count as laundry 2nd…putting clothes under couch cushions irons really well while eating the bonbons.3rd…a lick of the finger is as good as any face cloth you will find.4th and final…putting on a dirty shirt at the end of the day makes it look like you worked really hard without really having to.Until your position is further secure I cannot in good consions give away any more trade secreats without fear or reprisals from other stay-at-home moms.Until next time Mr. Blister may the force(or whatever it is)be with you!!

23 09 2008
Darlene Lappin

Between both Blisters, you may have to give a little to get a little. Me and my blister go through this everytime he comes home from away. I love that he is a great cook, and does some cleaning. But over many years we learned our strenghts, I still let him Cook all the time and I clean .When it comes to the little blister, it is whom is home at the time they arrive. It should get better. Always take time out to have a drink.

23 09 2008
Dad

Our family’s male tradition of wit and wiping up lives on.
Well done.

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