Dear Neighbours, We’re Not As Weird As We Seem

12 08 2008

Dear Neighbours,

My name is Domestic Blister. As you know, my odd little family and I moved into the neighbourhood a couple of months ago. I’m sure you’ve seen us around. But we tend to keep to ourselves, and you might not know much about us, so I feel like I’ve got some explaining to do. So here it is, a thorough explanation of some of the strange behaviours you have undoubtedly noticed, that will hopefully ease your mind and make you less likely to ask the cops to ‘just keep an eye on us.’

First off, if you are one of those who has accidentally gotten an eyeful of indecency as you casually passed by our house, I apologize. We’re not used to having so many damn windows. Or a back yard. Or shirts and pants on at the same time. Please be assured that once my children start school, they will not be leaving the house unless they are fully dressed, and once cold weather hits, I will do considerably less pants-less prancing. And as soon as I manage to wean the baby, I will almost always have a shirt on when I am sitting in front of the living room window. However, my husband, Mr. Blister, has recently begun working out, and so I can not guarantee that there won’t be a sharp escalation of ripped, shirtless man sightings in and around our house at some point in the coming months. If you are concerned, please feel free to take up a community collection on our behalf in order to purchase us some nice window coverings. Genuine bamboo blinds, or some nicely tailored designer curtains would do just fine.

And speaking of my husband, you may be wondering why you don’t see him meandering off to work every morning. Or any morning, for that matter. The answer is simple: he is a kept man. He is kept, in part by the federal government’s parental leave program. You may also be wondering why you never see me meandering off to work every morning. Or any morning, for that matter. Again, a simple answer: I am a kept woman. Kept busy, that is, with three kids, a stay-at-home-husband, and a freelance writing career that allows me the freedom and luxury to work from home at any and all hours of the day and night.

Then, there are our children. The baby, as you may have noticed, seems pretty normal. That is because she is only eight months old, and has yet to come into her full powers. I’d like to suggest that you make every effort possible to stay on her good side. Tickle her chin. Make silly faces at her. Refer to her as Your Royal Squiggleness. And if she drops a toy in front of you, for the love of God, pick it up. If you value your ears, pick that toy up. Fast. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The other two, on the other hand, are pretty harmless. And yes, they are twins. And yes, those are black noses and little whiskers drawn on their faces in marker. And yes, we do try to brush their hair on a regular basis. And yes, we know that one can’t seem to keep her pants up over her arse, and the other one can’t seem to keep her dress down over her arse. We’re working on that. You might also be wondering why we always seem to be following our kids around, and barking commands at them. Again, the explanation is simple: One of them is Autistic, with a tendency to taste anything she gets her hands on, and could easily let butterflies lead her on wild butterfly chases right out into traffic, and the other one is a slightly hysterical drama queen who has a tendency to need us desperately one minute, and ignore us completely the next. And sometimes all the following and barking is because we’re just pretending to be a family of dogs.

So there you have it. We’re not crazy nudists. We just need cooler weather and better curtains. We’re not drug dealers, or teachers , or any other sort of suspicious non-working-but-still making-money slackers with nothing to do all summer but bar-be-que and go to the beach. We’re not overprotective hyper-parents, but our kids are not your average kids either, so we need to do things a little differently. We are not in some sort of witness re-location program. We’re just a little preoccupied and a little shy and a little complicated. But we’re not as weird as we seem, I swear. Once you get to know us, I’m sure you’ll love us. And years from now, we’ll be sitting on the deck together, having a drink and laughing about all the wacky scenarios you dreamed up back when we first moved into the neighbourhood. About how you figured this family of drug-dealing, vacationing teacher nudists from a witness relocation program had moved in next door, and were too paranoid to tell anyone anything about themselves, or let their kids wander around the neighbourhood alone.

There, feel better? I know I sure do. We look forward to getting to know you better, and we eagerly await the day that an even weirder new family moves into the neighbourhood, so we can join you in a nice neighbourly game of outrageous speculation. And thank you in advance for taking us off the agenda of your next neighbourhood watch meeting. We’d like to keep a low profile. At least until we get some better curtains.


The Blister Family




6 responses

13 08 2008

This is no time to cut your hair, shine your shoes and become jerks. Eventually you will become the norm. May the lord have mercy on your souls.
Forever the rebel,

13 08 2008

It may not be time to cut our hair, shine our shoes, and become jerks. But maybe it is time to brush our hair, put on some pants and become part of our new community.
Don’t worry nanny, you’re still on the agenda for the neighbourhood watch meeting!

14 08 2008

Dude. You are so funny. Really. You’re on par with Dooce in my books! I love reading your posts and would simply love to meet you and Mister Blister and Squiggles and Roo and Neener next time we’re out east (probably in oh, about in five years or so…).

14 08 2008

Thanks Lisa. The next time you travel this way, you’re more than welcome to pay us a visit!

14 08 2008

I hope to come soon and will truck up and down the neighborhood with all 3 enjoying your neighborhood.
I have leftover bamboo roll up curtains. 3 at 52″ wide and 5 at 36″ wide if you want me to bring them.

14 08 2008

Honestly…kills me everytime!!
I miss you and and all the Blisters!!

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